To my children:
As your father, I am deeply sorry for the pain you have to go through. Nobody seems to care how much you miss me, and that you have essentially lost your father. You lost me because of a legal system that limits me to 4 days a month, when you've only known seeing me and kissing me goodnight every day since you were born. For me, I am caught between loving you, missing you, and at the same time, grieving for my loss of you and your loss of me. The pain doesn't end, and it's been 15 years.
And especially to my son:
What saddens me even more, is that you will probably get divorced and lose your children. And that just breaks my heart even more, knowing how it will break yours.
Let me tell you what your future holds, so you don't go in blindly. When you grow up, you will find a woman and marry her. You will have good days and bad ones, which are a normal part of life and every relationship. But when you have children, the sun will rise and set with them. They will bring more love into your heart than you've ever known or even thought possible. From the time they are born, you will watch in awe as they grow. How fast they learn, how fast they grow. You'll have to get up at night, their crying will frustrate you, and their behavior may anger you sometimes. Yet your bonds to them will be even stronger because of it. You'll tuck them in at night, and kiss their little hands. You'll teach them "butterfly kisses" and maybe sing it to them at night. Tears will come to your eyes sometimes, just thinking of how much they mean to you. Your love for your children is more important than life itself, and without question, you'd give up yours to save theirs.
Then when your marriage is in one of the low points, it may break up. During the divorce, your soon-to-be-ex will be given "temporary" custody of your children, but that's a lie. Once they're with her, they won't change the arrangement because the system thinks it's not in "the best interests of the children". That's when you'll realize that your children will never be able to live with you again. That's when the seeds of bitterness are sown by the system, but no one's paying attention to the damage they're starting, and the conflicts that will continue long into the future because your children have been ripped from your life. You'll get "shared parental responsibility" and they will want you to think that's like shared custody. It's not even close. The laws say you have the same chance at custody as the mother, but that's another lie. You'll be confused because while you're an equal parent, you will never have any rights. Believe it or not, even if your ex were to die, if she was living with someone else, you still might not get custody of your own children. You'll be given the standard 4 days a month to see your kids. It will be hard on you, and on them. You'll see their empty beds at your house every day, and every day you will feel the intense pain.
You won't be able to have a normal relationship. Some people may characterize you as a "Disney dad" because you'll always do fun things with them. They don't understand. If your kids misbehave and you ground them, it can only be for your weekend. So the entire weekend with them will be ruined and you will have no time for "good times". Kids will be kids, and they need to be disciplined, but they won't want to be with you, because the weekend will not have been fun. So, son, you'll have a choice: either you don't discipline your kids so that they want to keep coming to see you, or, they won't want to be with you. Some choice, huh? Being a "Disney dad" isn't all it's cracked up to be.
The law also says mothers and fathers are equally responsible for supporting you. It's another lie. If you have 2 or 3 children, maybe 40% of your pay will be taken out of your paycheck before you even see it. If you're sick for 3 days next week, your take-home paycheck will be zero and you will starve, because your child support comes out first and automatically. Nobody even realizes that to make a home for your children, you have to pay rent and utililties, maybe with separate bedrooms, just like their mother. If she is unemmployed, she won't contribute to support them, and while you're starving, she'll be spending some of your child support money to support herself. Of course, if you can't pay, you'll go to jail just like I did. But mothers don't have to support their children, although the law says otherwise. Did you know, if you gave her $10,000 a month for child support, she is only required to spend a few hundred dollars on your kids? Even if she gives them a good middle class lifestyle, she could still keep the extra thousands for herself. That's the way the law is, son. And it's also unfortunate, because your sister is learning how she can go through life if she gets a divorce. You can look forward to the same.
Your ex-wife may decide to have more children with no more income. You will not be allowed to, because your first and foremost responsibility is to support your kids with your first wife. Although you make an average income, with 40% being taken from your paycheck, you'll be living close to the povery level. Even though you'll be providing most of the support for your children, the IRS says she gets the tax deduction, even if she's not working! I know it makes no sense, but that's the way the law is, son. And if you go for social services, they will count your full income to determine your eligibility. Of course, all the money she gets from you won't count towards her income, even though she has a much higher spendable income. I know it makes no sense, but that's the way the law is, son. You'll need to try not to be bitter, but I know how hard that is.
Of course, she can have limited income, not remarry, and have as many kids as she wants, even if she can't support them, but that's OK. But for you, it won't matter that you can't support a second family. There's a real good chance your life will be like mine. You'll never be able to have a family again. And that breaks my heart, because you will love your children as much as I love you. I know it makes no sense, but that's the way the law is, son.
With all my Love, until the next time I'm allowed to see you,
Your dad ...
Son: Mom, when I grow up and get dirvoced, will you want my ex-wife to keep me away from my children? Then how come I can't spend more time with dad?